UK National Marriage Week (2)

Continuing the series of posts (first post here) to represent a contribution to a "catechetical moment", I would like to make some remarks about the permanence of marriage.

Marriage is permanent, for life

The Catholic Church teaches that the covenant of marriage establishes a permanent and exclusive bond between the man and the woman. What does this mean?

In the first place, the consent that the couple give when they make their vows of marriage is what brings the bond into being. It establishes a covenant, a binding promise between husband and wife. The promise cannot be a real promise if the people involved do not make the promise of their own choice, in freedom and without being forced into it. It cannot be a promise if the two people do not understand what it is that they are promising to each other. This is why the Church expects couples to follow a course of preparation for marriage - so that they can understand what the promise is that they are entering into, and so that they can make that promise with full knowledge and in full freedom.

The covenant is permanent, and binds the couple together for life. This can be understood when we remember that the relationship of husband and wife in marriage is an image (in a strong sense) of the relationship between God and creation, and, more so, of the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church. God never gives up on his love for the human race, and never gives up on his love for the Church. And, similarly, even though the Church is made up of people who sin, in the totality of her holiness represented by the figure of the Virgin Mary, she remains totally faithful to the Lord. The image of these relationships in marriage is also unbreakable.

This does not mean that the Catholic Church insists that a couple continue to stay together when such a life becomes impossible. That a couple might have to separate due to all too human difficulties that might arise is recognised by the Church. Also recognised is that, in such a separation, it might be necessary to use provisions of the civil law to assure the material well being of the parties, and, perhaps of the children. But the Church would still consider the couple to be married in an objective sense, and does not permit a Catholic partner to marry again.

In these circumstances, not re-marrying can be witness to the unity and permanence of the original marriage.

Forgiveness in marriage

"Staying" married is not always an easy task, and one of the areas that might need a couple to "work on it" is that of forgiveness. When I gave the talk I referred to in my first post in this series, I included a testimony about forgiveness between a married couple. In preparing that talk, a high proportion of the marriage testimonies that I read were ones involving forgiveness.

Veronique and Jean-Claude have been married for 20 years. At the moment when they decide to participate in a pilgrimage to Lourdes, their relationship is in trouble. Jean-Claude has already found a flat to buy for himself.

“I hadn’t been going to Church for 15 years, except for funerals and marriages. Before leaving for Lourdes, I had made it clear to Veronique, my wife, that she shouldn’t get her hopes up and that I would come home just as I had left. When I got to Lourdes, despite my state of mind, I was surprised by the joy that was in the air. That did not stop me from reacting angrily and violently to the teachings that I heard on the message of Lourdes. It offended me to hear: ‘ Penance, penance, penance.’ The last day, after a celebration, my wife wanted to go to pray one last time at the Grotto. I jumped at her: ‘Listen, I’ve had enough of prayers. We’re going home’. She replied: ‘Jean-Claude, for once, do this for me. Let’s go one last time to the Grotto before leaving.’

Whether I wanted to or not, I accepted. In front of the Grotto, I stayed toward the back. And then, I tried to pray. During the whole pilgrimage, I never really had succeeded. And then, all of a sudden a great light illuminated my heart. It did not take place on a visual or an intellectual level, but well and beautiful right in my heart. When we came back from the Grotto, I took Veronique’s hand saying that I felt something had changed inside me. My mistakes and my faults became apparent. It is from that moment that we began working on reconciliation, between us of course, but first with God. And since then, everything has changed in our life as a couple thanks to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.” [A radio interview, quoted in Lourdes Magazine February 1999, page50.]

What I find most moving in this testimony are the words of Veronique - "for once, do this for me" - and the reaction of Jean-Claude - "Whether I wanted to or not, I accepted". These two phrases seem to me to be the point around which this whole testimony turns.